Sunday, January 9, 2011

My Horoscope is Nekulturny

Back in the early part of the last decade, I wrote horoscopes. They weren't very good. For entertainment purposes only, really - and in any event, who the hell is entertained by horoscopes? The entire concept of astrology has always been at least faintly ridiculous to me; but, hell, it also filled pages. This particular horoscope may be seven years old, but I can assure you that the stars will exert exactly as much influence toward it today as they did in 2004.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Your competence in the labors of life and love will be called into question next week when, for the ninth straight time, you beach the god damned battleship.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - You will be astonished to discover that, despite all evidence to the contrary, the President of France is in fact a gigantic, sessile eggplant.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21) - The limitations of medical science will be made painfully clear to you this Thursday when your home skin-grafting procedure goes horribly, horribly wrong.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22) - You will enter a new world where down is up and breathing is impossible when you embed your head in a water faucet tomorrow.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) - A knife fight on a carrier deck may be a valid means of relieving stress, but just make sure to keep away from the arrestor cables.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) - Archimedes may have been on the right track about fulcrums, but if you want to shove Jupiter into a new orbit, I don't think a MiG-29 was what he had in mind.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) - Just because TVs emit radiation, that doesn't mean they can double as microwaves if necessary. You will learn this to your dismay only after you have thoroughly ruined the electronics.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) - "Bad taste" will be defined for a new generation when you persist in pushing your latest Retro-Victorian craze on the unsuspecting public.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - Originality might seem like it requires hard work and dedication, but all you really need is seventeen turnips and enough money to pay off the lawsuits.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) - Your brilliant plan to solve the world's energy crisis forever will collapse when you learn that, despite the assurances of ad executives, neither Coke nor Pepsi is combustible.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) - The government of Canada will not be impressed when, upon attempting to renew your passport, you submit autographed photos of Abigail Smith Adams (1744-1818).

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - When studying for your physics test, at least try to remember that Newtonian physics was named for its discoveror, Isaac Newton, not Las Vegas lounge fixture Wayne Newton.

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